Dear, Lena

I don't want to be another shadow on your wall.

I want to LIVE. The problem is, what does that even mean?

It's sort of like losing weight. If you just focus on the numbers, and how ten steps forward ends you three steps back, it can seem like an impossible surface to cross. So you made a leap, then you messed up, and now you are lying on your floor listening to Call It Off by Tegan and Sara and licking cake crumbs off your face...again.

That's why I love Lena Dunham's TV show, Girls, so much, I think. Because it makes me feel better about embracing my insecurities and failures, well, perhaps embrace is too generous, but co-exist with could work.

I have to learn to be fine with the fact that sometimes I will go to school wearing a backwards baseball cap and hot pink lipstick and feel an unwarranted amount of sexy. Or that I can wear my Huck Finn novel on my head like a hat, forget about it, then have my professor remind me, and my whole class, in the MIDDLE of his lecture.

Even if every thing confuses me, I still feel OK about it most days because It keeps me curious, it keeps me moving, because I don't have my bearings and that freaks me out, so I move. I move and move and move and run into people and inanimate objects. I forget to moisturize, and spend what little money I have on black turtlenecks and Astrology For Dummies. But it's all in good fun.

This blog is a direct reflection of where I'm at right now in my life. So exhausted from 19 years of over thinking, and feeling embarrassed by myself constantly. I'm just tired of it. Life is messy, and I think by now it's socially acceptable to live that mess with a bit of freedom. It is, after all, a part of the skin we're in.

xoxo Yaz